Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
