Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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