either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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