hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
