i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
