I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
