now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
