I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
