I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
