there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
