i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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