you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize