1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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