This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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