hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
