What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
