My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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