Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We need to get me chipped asap
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
