if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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