Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
