obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
