oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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