Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
