Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
