I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
