my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
