I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
