This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
