Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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