Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
