Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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