She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm always down for nudity.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
