just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
