The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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