I skipped work to stalk him.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
