puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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