I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
