I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
