No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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