So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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