We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
