I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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