Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
