There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
