You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
