she takes plan B like it's going out of style
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
