Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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