I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
