are you still at the devil's house?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
