I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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