This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
