Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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