Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
