tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
