Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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