mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think a kid would responsible me up
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize