Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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