Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
