If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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